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[Friday
July 13th, 2007 at 11:15pm] |
I'm in a funk.
First of all I just miss Derek like crazy. I've seen him a few times recently but nothing that was that significant. Okay, I take that back. Everytime I see him it's significant but I just wish I could see him more... if that makes any sense. I'm getting SICK of him telling me that he's coming over and then he DOESN'T. It's seriously PISSING me off. The last time I "hung out" with him was 10 days ago.. too long. I was supposed to see him 2 days ago- didn't happy. I was supposed to go out to lunch and take him to work today- didn't happen. I was supposed to see him tomorrow- won't happen, he decided to tell his boss he had no plans. He says he can come over Sunday.. I don't think it will happen, he won't have time to see me somehow. He's supposed to go to the beach with Sammy and I on Wednesday... I swear to god if he doesn't come I will get SO MAD AT HIM. I hate being told something is happening and then suddenly it's NOT. Sure, it's okay if it happens a couple times but I'm not even kidding when I say it's happened over 5 times in the last month. It's RIDICULOUS.
And also I'm upset that in less than a month Russell is moving to Colorado. It's going to suck...
I never get to see Derek when I want to. If I'm crying and I need to go to somebody, the only person there is Russell. If I call up Derek telling him to come over, he can't do it. He's not always there for me... actually he's only been there like that for me once. The only person that I've been able to get any sanity from is Russell... he's the only other person I can go to! Derek just isn't ever there for me. I can't depend on him to come over and hold me when I need him to... not that I get Russell to 'hold me' but I mean... I can go talk to Russ whenever I want to. He's always there to listen.. and if I need to get out of the house, I go somewhere with him. It's been that way for so long, and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when he leaves. I wish that I could just have Derek be my neighbor. I wish that we had that kind of relationship where I saw him every other day, if not everyday, and I could just kiss him and hug him at least once a day... I just wish. I need someone to be there for me... and no there will be no one.. at all.
When I call Derek, he's always busy. ALWAYS. If he's not busy then he's "kind of" busy... meaning he still can't talk. *sigh*
Why can't he make more time for me? I'm not asking him to drop his life but come on... fuck..
so.
1. I miss Derek.
2. I want to see Derek.
3. I'm sick of plans getting cancelled.
4. I don't want Russell to move.
5. I'm not going to have anyone to go to because I can't even depend on my own boyfriend to be there for me.
....great.
Good news.... it's still summer and I'm enjoying it. Devin's here til Tuesday. Sweet deal.
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[Saturday
June 30th, 2007 at 2:18pm] |
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mood |
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 irritable |
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I'm irritable and I just want to lay down and sleep forever... but I don't want to screw up my sleep.. so it's taking everything I've got NOT to just lay down and let myself drift off into a peaceful... SLEEP.
The simplest thing sets me off right now, and I hate when I'm like this.
Right now what's getting me upset is the fact that for the past 3 weeks everytime Derek has planned to come over he hasn't... BECAUSE OF WORK. That's all he does now.. work. It sucks... I understand he's got to work but you have to draw the line somewhere. As far as I know he hasn't had a day off since last Saturday, he's worked everyday since then. The next day he has off is Tuesday, and he doesn't have the 4th off... which I was HOPING he did because I REALLY wanted to spend it with him... but unfortunately I won't get to.
I don't know. I feel bad because he's been working so much and he never gets days off anymore. He was supposed to have today off but he had to take Marie's shift... and on Thursday he was supposed to have off too but Travis made him take his shift.... UGH. It's coming between him and I... I miss him. I wish he didn't work as much as he does... especially the oh so inconvenient hours he gets.... usually from whenever until 11 or 12 at night... very inconvenient.
Anyways the point is I'm getting sick of making plans to see him and then them getting ruined because he has to WORK. He has Tuesday off but I wasn't planning on him coming over so I don't know if he can.... and today I'm doing nothing because he was supposed to come over TODAY.
This is really going to piss me off. Well, it already has.
So other then that I got pissed off at my mom last night because she came home DRUNK and started pushing me around.
...this is what being sick does to me. I get so irritable and the super little things bother the hell out of me.
I don't want to be mad at him, and I'm not mad at him.. but I know if this happens again when he has to work on the day we're supposed to hang out I'm going to flip out....
I wish he could come over on the 4th. :/
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[Wednesday
June 27th, 2007 at 6:15pm] |
I saw Live Free or Die Hard last night (yep, special preview. it wa only me and Russell and a couple other of his co-workers in the theater... pretty awesome!)... SUCH a good movie! I absolutely loved it- and usually I don't like movies like that, so it goes to show for something.
I started getting better yesterday morning, and I thought that I was just going to keep on getting better... WRONG. I got s a stuffy nose last night and this morning I woke up even worse. It sucks, I'm sooo absolutely tired.. all I want to do is sleep sleep sleep.
We took Derek to work today. I was with him for, like, 20 minutes... if that. It's fine, that's enough for me. I just love seeing him, even if it's for that amount of time... we were going to go out to eat but he didn't wake up in time, so yeah... sad day. He said he'd see if him and Travis were doing anything tonight, and maybe I can go... that's what I'm waiting on right now- him to call. He got off work 20 minutes ago, so hopefully he'll tell me soon because if we're not doing anything I just want to go to sleep...
Yeah well I'm going to go and try to get ahold of Derek.
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[Sunday
June 24th, 2007 at 5:19pm] |
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 ecstatic, but sick. |
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Last night was pretty much thee most amazing night I've had in a long time.
Me, Derek, Travis and Stephanie (although she didn't bowl) went bowling. It was interesting see Travis try to bowl through his legs... he looked like a grasshopper. And it was also ironic that Derek bowls better behind and through his legs then he does when bowling reuglarly... what the hell? LOL I beat him when he was bowling regular- I giot 89 and he got 86. It was great.
After bowling we went out to eat at Shari's... that was fun. Lol after we ate Travis took me and Derek back to Derek's house... and I met his mom. Then his mom took me home around, like, 2 or something- I don't remember, but it was after 1:30 I think. Pretty cool if you ask me.
I still don't understand why he never wanted me to meet his parents? I asked him last night and he said it's not so much his mom then it is his dad- so I don't know... but I'm glad that I got to meet her, she seems nice :) Plus I don't feel like I'm a secret anymore... I don't know why that made me feel so horrible. Now that I don't feel like a secret, though, I feel soooo much happier in our relationship. Things will definitely get a LOT better from here on out :)
HOPEFULLY he won't always be coming over here now and I'll actually get to go over to his house, too. I like getting out of my house. Lol.
But yeah... I had fun :) except I'm paying for it today- Travis was sick and he got both Derek and I sick... sad day! :( Oh well, it was totally worth it.
I love him so much :D
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| SUMMER! :D |
[Friday
June 22nd, 2007 at 6:15pm] |
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I'm so excited. ONE more year in this shit-hole.
Although I'm very excited that this is my last year in high school, I'm also somewhat nervous and scared.
I think I've come to realize that I don't want to grow up. I want to get out of high school, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to be out on my own. My mom still does my chores for christ sake, I don't do my own laundry, do dishes, etc. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not completely stupid. I can cook, I CAN do dishes and laundry... I just don't. My mom spoils me to death- and I love her to death for it, but I know that when I'm out on my own I'll be doing everything for myself. I won't have my mom do to my laundry, cook my dinner, go grocery shopping, do the dishes, unload the dish washer, clean the toilet, take out the garbage, mop the floors, clean the house... etc. I WILL HAVE TO DO THAT!
I haven't ever done that, though. Never in my life have I spent an entire day cleaning (except my room...). My mom's "PROFESSION" is a stay at home mom- she stays at home and makes sure we have all that we need to be happy, and that the house is clean and we have dinner ready for us. There's times when I don't even ASK for anything and she will make me food. I love her so much. She's such a great mom.
But... I'm also ready to grow up. To be honest, my dream "job" would be to stay at home with my kids (when I have kids). I really, really want to do that. I want to be just like my mom. Maybe work a day or two a week so I'm bringing in SOME sort of money to the household, but... I'd really just love to stay at home and be the house wife/mom. I do someday hope that I can do that.
After high school I plan to go to school. I'm not going to assume I will be a stay at home mom/wife and not need the schooling to get a career. I'm going to plan as if I'm going to need the job, because what if in 10 years I look back and say "I need a job that pays well"... and I can only get a job that pays me 8-10 bucks an hour? What am I going to do? Take out a loan and spend the money I don't have on schooling to then go back and get a well paying job? NUH UH. I'm planning ahead, and not going to take any chances. PLUS, I bet I won't mind college. It's so much different then high school.... I can do that.
Talking about my plans for post high school... I think that Derek is going to be getting a place (appartment, probably) around then. We've sort of talked about it... but I think that I'm going to end up staying with him. Not MOVING IN WITH HIM but STAYING with him when I want to. I don't want to up and move into his house.... we don't see each other enough for me to move in with him suddenly- I barely see him once a week, how do I know we could live together, you know...? It makes sense to me. He's told me that he isn't moving out yet because the only person he wants to move out with is ME... so he's waiting until I can move out to move out.
Should I talk to him more about that, though? Is our relationship serious enough to be talking about that? I think it is... I just don't know if I should be talking about it, it seems weird. Because... well, it seems weird to be talking about staying with someone else other than my parents... but it's a big step. I know he won't get mad or scared off... I'm just not sure how to even approach that topic. But we have talked about it, just not in depth. I still have a year to think about it- then again I say that about a lot of things. "I still have time"... ah, I do.. but I should start planning :)
I DO KNOW that when I get out of school I'm going to go to a Community College. I'l probably take a bit of time off, and then register sometime later (probably not in the fall right after school gets our, maybe spring). I know a lot of people say that's a bad idea because I won't 'want to go back' or something... but I'm so self-motivated, I think I can do it :) yeah?
That's so weird to be talking about 'after high school.' After I turned 17 I started to feel like I had so much falling on me suddenly... I feel like an adult now. I'm not that "sweet 16" age anymore- I will be 18, a LEGAL adult, in less than a year. How crazy is that?! I bet this next year will go by so fast... and I'll be an adult before I know it. Although it will drag a bit because of school.... I'm sure that it will also pass by quickly. I hope... kind of.
Seriously, give me your thoughts on this. I want to know what you think... any advice would be looovely :)
Haha- funny story: Russell and I went to play pool after I got out of school today, and I was concentrating on shooting... and this old guy walks by and he was staring at me.. and right when the guy was in front of Russell he goes, "she's 17." and the guy just ran off LOL. soo funny.
By the way, I really love Derek :) he's so great. I don't even know how to explain it. I've found a once in a life time love, and I'm not letting it go, either. I know I may complain but deep in my heart I know that he loves me... I just know it :)
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[Wednesday
June 20th, 2007 at 7:58pm] |
I got kind of upset night before last.
I talked to Derek's sister for a while on myspace through messages... she basically told me that their parents DO know about me but Derek just keeps denying that he even has a girlfriend. Lovely- that makes me feel SUPER important. *sarcasm*
She also said that her mom always says stuff like, "I know there's a sam girl" or something of that sort. That she does know about me, but Derek won't bring me up or admit to having a girlfriend. And Sara said their mom said this: "if i were dereks girlfriend i dump his sorry ass if he never introduced me to his parents blah blah"
Yeah, so apparently.. according to Sara... his parents really want to meet me. I don't know about that, but just according to her. I wish Derek would at least TELL them about me and not LIE everytime he's coming over here. I hate that he makes excuses EVERY time. I absolutely hate it. How much more of a goddamn secret could I be? Come on... let's be real. He's almost 20, how long can he hide me? I swear... I hate it. Not only is it childish, but it also just hurts knowing that he can't be a man and TELL THEM HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. What's so wrong about that? Honestly. Is it going to kill him? NO.
Whatever, moving on.
So the past 2 weeks Derek's been saying he's "going to coming over" and shit, and he didn't. This week he PROMISED ME HE WOULD come over tomorrow- yeah, well now he isn't coming over. He says we'll go bowling on Saturday. For one, sure, cool... but I won't see him for as long IF IT HAPPENS. Which I HIGHLY doubt that it's going to. He won't wake up until like 2-3PM and then he'll never call me. I hate this. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS.
I hate how unreliable he can be... I just want him to come over, is it that mother fucking hard? WELL okay, maybe if he doesn't tell anyone about me. For christ sake his sister wouldn't even know about me if she didn't see the comments I left him on myspace, or go to my school.
This is why I don't like thinking. Sometimes I wish at this point I didn't have that ability for tonight. Knock me out? Yeah.
Two more days of school. TWO. Ugh I can not WAIT. Let's get this over wiiiith. Senior year baby here I come!
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| How is this even possible? |
[Saturday
June 16th, 2007 at 1:07am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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I can never stay upset/disappointed/irritated with Derek.
That's never, EVER, happened to me before. Usually I can hold on to that... but to be completely honest, even if I WANTED to stay mad at him, I couldn't. That's not normal for me, but that definitely goes to show something.
I was thinking about some things tonight while listening to music...
Derek and I have almost been together for two years. I guess? About a year and 7 months. Five more months. Not that it's a bad thing, at all. It's just... every time I tell someone how long we've been together, they're like, "nuh uh!" ... uhm, yeah huh. And not only have we been together for that long, but we haven't argued very much through all of that. A lot of relationships that have been that long in high school have a lot of petty little arguments and break ups. Not ONCE have Derek and I ever broken up and gotten back together. EVER. We can always make up and get past our problems. Also... arguments. We've had our disagreements and a couple bigger arguments but never anything that lasted more than a day. And we never *yell* at eachother persay... we talk it out.
Is that something that isn't normal? Is it, like, very unlikely to have a relationship last this long at my age? I don't know. I just get mixed reactions when I say we've been together that long. Especially from my older cousins- they all seem so amazed and want to know what's going to happen in the future with us.
Which is the other thing I was thinking about... I have to start planning my future. I need to start figuring out what I'm doing after high school.
I know that I'm going to go to Edmonds Community College... and take some required classes for a four year college.
But... I don't know for sure what I'm doing with my living situation.
Derek and I have talked about it... a bit. Nothing in depth, but we always bring it up like, "when we live together..." or something. It's not if we live together. Or if we'll be together in a year or two... it's always when. Always.
Anyways, on to the point... we've talked about it a bit. All I know is that if he wants to live wth me I want to be around him more often before I jump into LIVING with him when I barely see him once a week as it is. Living with someone is a lot different then just seeing them every once in a while... because you have to get used to their habits and you get to know everything about them. What they look like in the morning, when they brush their teeth, when they shower, what they smell like at every point in the day... all those things that people usually don't want you to know about.... once you live with someone you are putting yourself out there for the other person.
But yeah... he'll be 20 in November. I don't know if he even has any plans of moving out before then- I don't think so because he always tells me he has no desire to move out with anyone until it's me.
Uhm yeah... and another thing... I don't think me living on my own is such a good idea. There's a lot of things that have happened in my past to contribute to this but I could never live on my own. Well, I'm sure I COULD if I really had to... but I'd be so terrified to walk around my house, to unlock the door after I hadn't been home all day and walk into my house, to open windows... to sit in my own house at night. I'd be completely terrified. I don't know.
So yeah... this is all ramble-y. I'm getting tired and music isn't sounding so appealing right now... sleep is. I'm going to try to keep myself awake until Derek calls.
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| One week and one day. 6 school days. 3 regular days, 3 final days. |
[Thursday
June 14th, 2007 at 5:25pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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Today was interesting. I got bitched out because I didn't want to hear about how Derek's ex giflriend, Paige, had a boyfriend and that once Derek finds out, he's going to go full force at trying to get her back. It really just wasn't something I wanted to hear. To be quite honest, Derek and I are over that bullshit and we've moved on. He's told me the truth about everything and I know what's true and what isn't true. We've talked, yes, WE'VE TALKED in depth about this (not just about Paige, but about anything I've ever heard or anything he's ever heard).
I'm not going to state what I've been told is true and what isn't true, because that's no ones business besides mine and Derek's. All that matters is that we know what is true and what isn't. I'm not holding anything against anyone, things happen for a reason.
I don't mind being friends with Paige AT ALL (she's actually pretty cool, haha. And yes I know you read this Paige, lol), but I don't want it to lead to me being persuaded into breaking up with Derek OR trying to tell me "you'll learn someday."
No, I wasn't bitched out by Paige. It was by her ex-boyfriend, who SWEARS up and down that Derek still loves her. ... well, until today at least. Then today he started to tell me that now he doesn't believe Derek loves her, he just thinks that Paige still loves him so he's trying to see what reaction he can get. That boy... I tell ya...
Oh and one thing- AJ is so weird. How do you get your hand caught in one of those automatic sliding doors? NO IDEA but he did it at the store the other day and won't stop bragging about it. Interesting.
Anyways, back on topic.... seriously, I love Derek more than anything. It may not seem like it to SOME people, but he does love me. If he didn't want to be with me he would have broken up with me long ago. A year and 7 months- that just doesn't happen because they DON'T WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE. Now does it? No. Especially not with him. When we're laying on my bed looking into each others eyes- that's when I KNOW it. Someone who doesn't love you doesn't look at you the way he looks at me. I can't even explain it- it's so amazing, though. I don't care if you don't believe that, though. I really don't.
I know he does and that's all that matters. I don't need to "figure it out the hard way" or anything. We have a stronger relationship than you think, and we can make it through anything and everything... hence why we're still together after all the drama and bullshit we've been through. We're strong, and our love holds us together. We'll be alright, and anyone who doesn't think so... well, that's your problem :)
The last couple have months I've spent a lot of my free time thinking... yeah, just thinking. About life, death, friends, family, etc. Anything and everything. I've realized a lot of different things... I won't go into those, but, yeah.
I graduate in less then a year. Wow. I can't wait until then, though... this next year is going to be THE hardest year of my life. Not because it's actually going to be 'difficult' (okay, it will be in some aspects, but I can do it :) but because it's going to go by SO slow. Or maybe it won't- but it feels like it's going to. It's like, how am I ever going to survive this next year? Lol. I'm DYING for school to get out this year, how am I going to feel next year? This year, it's just annoying. But next year... it's going to get down right ridiculous going to school everyday. Thank GOD I won't have the full 6 classes because I'm ahead on all my credits. That will help a bit, but not toooo much. I just hope it's enough to get me through the year without completely giving up, LOL. Okay, I'd never give up. Sometimes I do feel like it though.
So on the topic of Derek again... we're good :) he's beeing coming over once a week lately, sometimes more. Thank god that's gotten better. Oh how it was so worth the wait. I feel so.. amazing when I'm with him. I feel like nothing could ever harm me and there's nothing that could ever come between us. I love our little petty 'fights' or 'arguments' when he's here... about how I won't kiss him because he's an ass or him getting upset cause I have to go do something... haha. Oh man I love it. Or how he kisses me when he's about to leave... ahhh. INCREDIBLE. I love that boy. I love love love loveee him. He's absolutely amazing- I couldn't have asked for anyone better then him to love and care for, and to be loved in return. Anytime something happens that just makes me want to talk to get it out, or feel angry, he always knows just how to make it better or help me through it. Things have obviously been thrown our way but we always find a way to get through it together... always. We've been through the worse and the most amazing times. Just how we ALWAYS find SOMETHING to do when we're together, even it's just laying on my bed cuddling or something :) it's always amazing. He just... knows me like no other person does, and along with it he loves me like no other person.
I can't wait until this summer.. I hope to see him a lot more.
"Forget the people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it into your future." :)
Couple more:
It's the way you look at me. It's the way you absently play with my fingers while we lay and watch TV. It's the way you lightly tilt my chin while you look right into my eyes before we kiss. It's the way you think you are so macho and tough when in reality you're just as much of a mush as I am. It's the way I can escape into my head while I replay moments of us in my mind. It's the way you kiss me while everything else in the world disappears. It's the way we can just stare into each others eyes while not one word is said. It's the way we joke about missing each other all day when really we've never been more serious. It's the way we 'argue' about who loves who more. It's the way I can't stop thinking of you while I go about my day...
I'm selfish, impatient, & a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control,
& at times I'm hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
[Marilyn Monroe]
She was everything beautiful and different.
...you stupid boy.
Sorry, I'm not perfect. I'll sound nosey and be a little pushy. I'll make mistakes and bad choices. I'll spill a lot of things and some days I'll get upset real easily. My hair won't always be in place and sometimes I'll be a complete mess. I'll annoy you, make you mad, say stupid things, and then take them back... but put all of that aside, you will never find a girl who cares about you more than I do. I promise a part of me is worth keeping...
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[Wednesday
May 30th, 2007 at 9:30pm] |
I want school to be out. 3 weeks and 2 days. HELL. FUCKING. YES.
The yearbook premiere was last week- yeahhh. I'm so glad I have my yearbook :] I swear I'm sick of hearing "I didn't know we couldn't buy one when it came out I'm so upset blahblahblah!" BULLSHIT. We announced that OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. EVERY SINGLE DAY. If they didn't listen it's their own damn fault. I'm sick of them coming to ME and complaining about it, though. It's not my fault, anyone in the yearbook classes fault, Malowney's OR the ASB's fault. IT'S THEIRS for not listening to announcements. /end rant.
So I'm EXTREMELY sick of *****... I don't think she reads this.. but just to be safe. I just thought I'd let you know I'm sick of someone. She's just pissing me off...
My life's pretty boring right now...
I cleaned all day today- well, besides right when I got home. I layed out in the sun for like an hour or so. I got tan :) wooo. After that, though, I came inside and cleaned my room for about 3 hours... I don't know what took me so damn long. It wasn't THAT big of a mess. Lol
Derek said he's coming over tomorrow. I realllly hope he does. For some reason I miss him a LOT. It's crazy.
I don't know if I mentioned it but for my birthday he gave me his bears jersey :) talk about freaking thoughtful and creative. It was so sweet... I love that boy to death. :)
Okay Jason just asked me for pictures so I gotta get on that.
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| I am so in love. |
[Saturday
May 19th, 2007 at 11:38am] |
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mood |
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 meh |
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And I'm not talking about puppy love. I'm talking about the real love.
The kind of love that was force fed to you through Disney movies and love stories as a child and as you grew older you became more and more skeptical that that kind of love even existed... until it hit you like a freight train with this kind of love. The kind of love fairytales were based off of. The kind of love that when they smile you consider yourself the luckiest person in the world just to be able to see it. The kind of love where you fall deeper and deeper in love with every second of eye contact and every time they call you babe or baby. The kind of love that absolutely crushes you when they're upset about anything, even if some people think it's pathetic; you don't- if they're hurt, you're crushed. The kind of love that makes you sick the second you're away from them. The kind of love that makes you hesitant to change out of the clothes you last wore around them because it still smells like them and you're trying desperately to hold onto those moments. The kind of love that makes you so impatient for the next time you'll be with each other whether it be days or hours... or even just minutes. The kind of love that makes you want to call them every second of every day just to hear their voice and make sure their day is going good; if it isn't, you'll do anything and everything in your power to make it better. The kind of love that makes you stare at their picture without blinking for minutes or hours; with that uncontrollable smile included. The kind of love that makes every love song ever written your new favorite; some how connecting it to your situation even if it's "that will never be us" for the break-up songs. The kind of love where no matter what happens, you're always going to be there for them. The kind of love that never dies. The kind of love where the words "I love you" don't mean enough; they can't explain what you're feeling, it's so much more than those three words. The kind of love that one little argument won't break up. The kind of love that keeps you together through thick and thin. The kind of love where just being with them brightens your day; you don't need to go out on expensive dates every week just to be happy. The kind of love where you love them and they love you back, equally and unconditionally.
I'm so beyond struck and it's about time.
Finally I'm with a guy who isn't going to treat me like complete shit. Looking back to relationships I've had in the past they just seem absolutely pathetic compared to what I feel now.
There's times where I hesitate a little bit, but maybe it's because of how skeptical feeling like this can be.
I couldn't ever be happier, though. Look at my face or listen to my voice when I simply talk about him. The simple fact that I stutter trying to find words to describe how I feel for him is example enough. If you've talked to me at all you know I'm pretty good with the English language... if only I could explain to you the happiness I feel from just being around him or the hurt I go through every time I have to say goodbye to him and walk or drive away, especially when I have no idea when I'm going to see him next. I would do anything for this boy without ever asking for anything in return. He's everything I have ever looked for in a guy. So here I sit, smiling uncontrollably because of how in love I am with him... missing him more than anything I've ever missed. The countdown until he's back began as soon as we drove away from him.
If you've ever felt the way I do or are feeling the same now, let me know. Let the world know that love doesn't just live in a book... it's real.
I love you Derek James 
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oohitzsam's journal